Why I talk so much about Maddox

I sometimes wonder if people get tired of hearing me talk about Maddox and his heart. I wonder if it comes across as me whining about our trials, or even that I believe that our trials are harder than others. I do realize that people who know me well know this isn't the case, but I still wonder. 

So why do I talk about it so much? Why do I reflect often on his first year? Why does my brain associate certain dates with specific hospital days? Mostly because I'm still shocked that this happens to people. I mean, truly, babies are born with half their hearts gone? Seriously? It never crossed my mind. I'd never heard of such a thing. I was completely and utterly blindsided. 

Knowing what I know, that's really ignorance on my part. For reals. My husband, the father if my children, has a CHD. It never occurred to me that I should write that on my prenatal paperwork. Honestly, until we had Maddox, I didn't even really get what Luke having a CHD meant. I knew he was supposed to have yearly check-ups, that he couldn't be self employed because we could never afford to self-insure him, and that at some point he'd need a new heart valve. I get it now! But for nearly 5 years I was completely oblivious to that reality in my life. 

Another reason I talk and write about it so much is writing is therapeutic. Writing things down and getting it out helps me deal with the emotional roller coaster of the unknowns. By writing things down and reviewing the past, I get to see more clearly the blessings and tender mercies of this experience. I truly believe it also helps combat the PTSD that encroaches. Especially during the second year. Emotionally, that has been the hardest of the four. 

The last reason, besides the fact that I think Maddox is amazing, is that reading about other kids and families living with CHD helped me so much. If reading about our experience helps even one person, it's completely and totally worth it. 

Having Maddox has sharpened my perspective in so many ways. A conversation I had with a doctor yesterday reinforced that. The doctor called to tell me that he believed I'm going to lose this baby. Oh yeah, so I am/was pregnant. Yesterday I was seven weeks. I've been having signs of miscarriage and have been getting my blood drawn to see what's going on. As he talked to me, this is not my regular doctor who knows me--he was in the office when I needed to be seen, he kept asking how I was handling this emotionally and telling me it's ok to be sad and disappointed. I replied that we've been through much worse. That might be the wrong choice of words. Maybe we've been through much different is a better way to say it. 

I am sad. Very sad. And disappointed. But if I've learned anything in the past four years, it's that Heavenly Father will take care of me and my family. In His time and in His way. For whatever reason, now wasn't the time. I trust that when the time is right we will have another baby. Until them, I will continue to love the two I've got fiercely. They are the light of my life. They are both incredibly gifted and talented in their unique ways.