My big sister went to heaven when I was just 6 months old. You might think that I was too young for that to have a profound impact on me, but I can assure you it's not. Having an angel sister has been a source of sadness and happiness over the years. I know she watches over our family, and that makes me happy. There were many times growing up I remember thinking 'I shouldn't have to do this. I shouldn't be the oldest here.' Even now, my sweet Bailee will say things like 'Well, you aren't really the oldest in your family.' I remember odd times in my life being struck with grief over my loss, and feeling guilty because I didn't really know my sister, so why am I feeling so sad. I do have one memory. I only know its a memory because while I was in grade school I remembered and then asked my mom about it. I remember sitting in my crib and Tiffany, my angel sister, handing me toy food through the bars. When I asked my mom about that, she told me that Tiffany used to do that, but she hadn't ever told me that. I've had dreams of calling out for her. I've had moments where I've missed her so much it hurts. I'm grateful for the knowledge and hope that I get to see her and be with her again.
That was kind of a tangent. What I've been pondering is my need to give a gift when someone has lost a child. Why do I feel this strong need? Have my gifts been insulting and more hurtful than helpful? What drives that desire? I know I can't make anything better by my small offering. I've thought more about this in the past 4 years because of the associations and friendships made on our Heart Journey. I've reflected on the gifts I've given, and have wondered how they were received. I've never intended to be hurtful or insulting, and one of my greatest strengths and also weakness' is analyzing what I say and do before I say or do anything. I will probably never know, but I do hope I can be in tune and sensitive.
An angel mom, and sweet friend, made a comment the other day that I've been pondering. She said 'People hate my life, so they send me stuff.' Is that why? For me, is that why?
The first gift I gave to a family whose child went to heaven, while I was in high-school, was a poem. I sobbed as the words poured out of me and onto the paper. (I used to have that gift, maybe it's still in me somewhere.) I shared that poem with a friend who encouraged me to give it to the family. I hoped that it would give some measure of comfort. I doubt I'll ever know. One of my dads aunts wrote a beautiful poem when my sister went to heaven. It still brings me comfort today. All of these years later, do they have that? I'm not sure what I would have done.
The second gift was almost 4 years ago. A sweet boy earned his wings after a valiant fight with CHD. He was 6 months old. He was a darling, beautiful baby. I didn't know the family well, but there is an indescribable bond you form with people fighting side by side with you in the hospital. It was close to Christmas, and it seemed an ornament for their tree would be a sweet memorial. Was it? Is it?
At holidays we always had some little token for Tiffany. Her stocking hung at Christmas time, an Easter basket like the rest of us. For years I would gather flowers as I walked to my Grandparents, after school, on or as close to her birthday I could get. I would stop at the bridge over the ditch where she drowned and drop the flowers in. Later, when I had money to spend, I would buy balloons and release them on her birthday. One for each year she should have been. I never told anyone about that.
The third gift was for a mother I had only met a few times. Nonetheless, I admired her and had looked forward to getting to know her better. Then their family suffered the unimaginable tragedy of not only saying goodbye, but doing so very far from home. I had an idea, and ordered it right away. At the time I thought it was a sweet token. A piece of jewelry with a monogram and a charm. Now I'm not so sure. I kind of think, had I been her, I'd have thrown it in the trash. Another reminder that her baby was gone.
The last gift was much more personal to me. I had grown to love this angel through the family blog, and through many hospital visits. Their journey with CHD had given me so much hope when Maddox was born. They showed me we could make it through this unexpected diagnosis. That our baby could live and love life, like theirs was doing. I watched this angel grow and touch so many lives. Then their world crashed around them, but they didn't quit fighting. I visited many times in the hospital, and though I wished with all my heart they could be at home, I looked forward to these visits. This angel knew how to live and to fight. She was so full of spunk and sass, you couldn't help but smile and appreciate life when you were with her. One day I found this charm bracelet that I just knew was meant for her. It had a little heart on it. I watched as she opened it and her eyes lit up. I remember her little squeal and her asking her grandma to put it on. After that I was on the lookout for the perfect 'new' heart to add when her angel heart came. That never happened. I was on my way to the hospital and looking forward to that visit when I heard the news. I was crushed. I still think about her everyday. I gave her mom a charm for the bracelet. It's not the one I wanted to give. I think I'd have thrown that away too.
I have one more gift. It's been sitting on my dresser for months. I hesitate to give it. The anniversary is painful enough. Our lives will forever be entwined. I will never go a day without thinking of this family. That was a day of such great loss and pain, and a day of miracles. It wasn't how either of us planned to spend it. We passed each other, hour after hour. Giving encouragement. Praying for each others child. Sharing a hug I will never forget. A day when relative strangers were bonded forever.
So my inner battle is this: Are these well meaning gifts more hurtful than thoughtful? With each one I felt inspired and had the desire to give the gift. In the end though is it for me or for them? While I believe my intentions are good, what am I hoping this gift will do? It's not going to bring back their angel. It's not going to make it hurt less. Is doing something better than nothing? Is it better to wait for a birthday or anniversary, to let them know I haven't forgotten? Or is it completely selfish to think that someone remembering will make the loss a little more bearable?
My heart hurts for these families, and so many others every day. It's hard not to get bogged down in the sadness of it all. I just really hope for two things. First, that I can be very sensitive to family and friends who have suffered such a great loss. Second, that if the time arises that I am faced with the unthinkable, I can handle it with the grace and love of these mothers. I think of you and your angels every day. While I'm certain that most if you don't read my blog (anymore), if you happen across me know that my heart was in the right place.
1 comment:
I say follow the promptings you get. Maybe the gifts will make a difference now or sometime in the future. You know you are giving them with your heart in the right spot. Loves to you!
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