Lately

The past month as been a little crazy. In the past month we've taken 2 trips to Alamo, been to a funeral, had Maddox in the hospital twice, and been to a bunch of doctor appointments. I keep thinking life will slow down some day, but so far....not so much. Yesterday Kids On The Move (Early Intervention) did an evaluation and we're all in agreement that Maddox needs help with his motor skills/physical development. So we'll be having appointments with a physical therapist, probably a couple of times a month.

Mom S. jokingly said she didn't check my blog because I've been too lazy to post anything. My response was that I was taught if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. That's how I've been feeling lately. My resolve in the last post to be happier won't happen overnight, I'm working on it. I'm just really frustrated, and sometimes even angry. I don't want to feel that way, so for the past 10 months I've been pushing it away. That doesn't make it go away, just builds up.

Like for instance, Maddox has been in the hospital 2 times in the past month. Once for pneumonia and once for rhino virus which is the common cold. Yeah, a cold. The kids have been sick since the middle of February! I don't know what we could do different to not get sick! I wash my hands until they are so raw they bleed, we hardly go anywhere and when we do no one touches or holds Maddox and I'm so careful about who we're around. No sick people! That basically puts us in isolation, and really...that just makes the whole depression thing worse. I feel like I can't win. We've averaged 1-2 trips per week to see the family Doc. He gives me a pep talk every time, tells me how great I'm doing, yada yada. He means well, and it makes me feel better a lot of the time. But no matter how many times he tells me I'm a good mom, my kids are still getting sick! I know that kids get sick, it's normal and expected. But Bailee was never sick! And now I can't keep either of them healthy.

Of course to add to it all, I know---really, really know----how blessed I am. And I feel guilty and selfish for feeling bad and angry and hurt. I know people that would give anything to have their baby in their arms again, sick or not.

I'm sick of Facebook, so I'm done with it. I'm tired of knowing so much about people without actually talking. It's like you don't have anything to talk about in person, because you already know what's been going on. It's also made people less helpful and caring. It's so easy to post a message to someone saying "I'm sorry that's going on, let me know if you need anything" and it totally get's you off from actually doing anything. I'm as guilty of these things as anyone, so I'm stepping out and back into the real world.

There's my rant for the day. One of these days I'll post some pictures---if I've taken any-- and tell you how great the kids are doing and that I've done some fun projects.

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The test

My heart hurts. I think about it so much, it's distracting and is getting in the way of me living life. It hurts for friends who have lost their babies to CHD's, miscariage, infertility, adoption leads that fall through (or never come), the healthy baby they dreamed of durring the long months of pregnancy. It hurts for friends who are going through their toughest times; medical problems, divorce, depression, unemployment, the loss of a family member or friend. And amongst the hurt I feel for others, many of the things apply to me too.

Recently, after talking with a good friend, I got a glimpse of what could be ahead if I don't make some changes. I know what it takes to be happy, and I know what it doesn't take. Now's the time for me to take back my life and make the most of it.

I know that I am blessed beyond measure. I see the evidence of that every single day as I look into the faces of my incredible children and husband. I have more to be happy about than some people never dare to dream of. But knowing that is different than feeling it.

At Dad B.'s funeral, one of my SIL's and her dad sang the song "The Test" by Janice Kapp Perry. That song has been running in my mind for about 9 months now. "Didn't He say He sent us to be tested? Didn't He say the way would not be sure? But didn't He say we could live with Him forevermore, well and whole if we but patiently endure? After the trial, we will be blessed. But this life is the test." Every time I hear of another friend or family members latest trial, or think about my own, I think of this song.

The whole message is comforting, but what strikes me the most today is the condition/promise part of it. The promise that "we could live with Him forevermore, well and whole", is followed by a condition "if we but patiently endure." I believe that God wants to bless us immensley, and He does. It takes just one look around to see that. But there are incredible blessings that require action on our part. "I, the Lord, am bound when ye do what I say; but when ye do not what I say, ye have no promise" D&C 82:10 I believe that God is Good and Just. I don't believe that He sets out to punish us for the choices we make, but rather that the choices we make have consequences. I do believe that He has given us commandments and covenants and if we do our part, He can not and will not withold all that He has promised. Which happens to be EVERYTHING He has! Amazing.

To add to all of this, He knows that we are imperfect and Human. This Life is a test, designed to help us become like Him. We will make mistakes, large and small, and we will disqualify ourselves from receiving His greatest blessings. BUT He knew that, so provided us a Savior, The Lord Jesus Christ. Christ atoned for all of our sins, hurts, sadness, burdens. That is His promise to us, the condition is that we use the Atonement in our lives, repent, and allow Him to heal and help us.

This is where much of my Faith and Hope is centered. In the temple we make covenants with God that allow Him to bless us even more. Covenants, that if kept, ensure I will be with my family Forever. Today, with this reminder, I am choosing to be happier. To let my Savior have the hurt and sadness I feel for myself, my friends, and my family.