Changing...one step at a time (written April, 2015)

I blog a lot in my head. I have a captive audience there. I do need to take more time for actually putting some of my thoughts down more often, though. 

I've been thinking about changes and peoples reaction to change. Specifically when you decide to make a life change. Mine started 6 months ago. I was listening to General Conference, and there was a fantastic talk that struck my heart. It's titled 'Approaching the Throne of God with Confidence.' http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2014/10/approaching-the-throne-of-god-with-confidence?lang=eng

I really need to read it again. 

So as Elder Klebingat was speaking about areas in our lives we can improve in order to be able to approach the throne of God with confidence, his suggestion about our physical well being really caught my attention. He said "Feeding the spirit while neglecting the body, which is a temple, usually leads to spiritual dissonance and lowered self-esteem. If you are out of shape, if you are uncomfortable in your own body and can do something about it, then do it!" I had an 'ah ha' moment. I wrote down two notes: Drink less soda and start exercising. I felt strongly that I needed to take more control of 'the natural man' and make some healthy changes. 

I've been really resistant in the past to working out. For the most part, I've been comfortable in my body. Could I loose some weight? Absolutely. Do I worry and stress about it? Almost never. It really bothers me when people's first reaction, generally, to someone working out is related to weight. It's either 'you're so thin, you don't need to work out,' or 'good for you for working off that extra weight.' So part of my resistance has been because I don't want to work out because I think I'm overweight. I also hadn't had a strong enough desire to make a change or a love for a particular work out method. I hated running. So very much. 

Almost immediately I started craving and drinking more soda. Every plan I made to work out was met with excuse. I was going in the complete opposite direction. In the back of my mind, I knew I needed to make changes, and on some level I wanted to. I just couldn't seem to commit. I had been thinking about it more and more each day, and then it happened. 

In January my friend mentioned she was going running later that afternoon. She wasn't trying to invite me, she was simply talking about her plans. I asked about how the running was going and how far she was going. I could almost hear the gears in my head turning. She told me that she had just started the Couch to 5k program again. Almost without realizing it was coming out of my mouth I told her I thought I'd like to give it a try. That was 3 months ago. I'm now running 3 times a week, and have worked up to 25 minutes of running. I surprise myself each time I hear myself saying I'm enjoying it. I am surprised that I actually am sad if I miss a day. I'm surprised that I'm signing up for an actual race, and even considering a 10k. I'm not surprised at people's reaction to my change. In some round-a-bout way it comes back to 'I must think I'm fat and am trying to lose weight.' Honestly, weight loss will be an added benefit. I'm truly making this change in my life to feel stronger, happier, and healthier. And it's happening. 

I'm slowly making changes in the things I put into my body...and my family's bodies too. It will come. I'm learning that it doesn't have to be all or nothing. I'm looking at life differently. This isn't a short term change. I'm going to run for as long as I can. So if I miss a day? It's ok, it's just one day. 

I'm learning the truth of Elder Klebingat's words, and those whispered to me by the spirit. 'Spiritual confidence increases when your spirit, with the help of the Savior, is truly in charge of your natural man or woman.' And I'm learning that by taking some time to do something good for me is good for my family. 

I've always felt guilty and selfish when I've done something just for me. I'm not supposed to think about myself, right? I think that's wrong, actually. I'm learning that there's a big difference between taking care of yourself and ignoring everyone around you to focus on yourself. The first is actually important to everyone's well being. The second is selfishness. 

Luke asked me a few months back why I don't wear fake nails anymore. There are two reasons. I don't like how they feel, and it's an expense we don't need. As we talked I realized what he was actually missing is my nails being painted and longer. Those are two things I could change easily and without spending a lot. As I made an effort to grow my nails out and put some color on them, I realized that I rarely take the time to take care of my outward appearance. I don't particularly like makeup, and I feel totally comfortable with just a little lipstick. I have a pretty low maintenance hairstyle that doesn't take a lot of time, effort, or money. I'm completely comfortable in jeans and a t-shirt. I ran out of moisturizer long ago and haven't taken the time to replace it, though that is one skincare product I've tried to be good at using. Enter Posh. 

My sister has been trying to get me to try Perfectly Posh for nearly a year. I don't use girly pampering products, and I didn't think that was something I should spend money on. There are two skin problems that I've worried about but hadn't taken the time to change it. My red bumpy arms, and the good chance my pores will get large as I age. I finally tried out a scrub sample she had sent me. She told me it would help smooth my skin. I rubbed it on both of my upper arms and was amazed at the difference in just one use. I decided I would buy some of that and try out their moisturizer. I decided instead to join Posh so I could get a discount on those few things I actually would use. Then my starter kit came and I loved everything in it. I started taking three minutes morning and night to wash and moisturize my face. I'm surprised at the way those few minutes makes me feel. Refreshed. Confident. In control of me. 

So I guess what it comes down to, for me, is making small changes in my life to help me take those baby steps towards overcoming the natural woman in me. It doesn't have to be expensive, time consuming, or exclude my family. It's important to me to have a healthy body, inside and out, and to take care of the one I've been blessed with. Once I finally understood that and have embraced that, I have been able to stick to a plan and be happier, healthier, and more kind. 

CHD week

February 7-14 is CHD week. I've been posting facts and pictures on Facebook. I just thought I would take a minute and reflect on what CHD means in my life. 

Heart defects.... They are hard. Hard on every member of the family. Here's the list of Maddox's defects. 

HLHS--his left ventricle is almost nonexistent and does not function at all. 

mitral valve stenosis--stenosis means small

aortic valve stenosis

Mild to moderate hyposplasia of the ascending aorta and aortic arch--hypoplasia means small

Coarctation of the aorta--narrowing in the aorta. This is also what Luke was born with. 

Atrial septal defect--no septum, or wall, between his atriums. Healthy hearts have 4 chambers, Maddox's has 2. One ventricle and one atrium. 

Patent ductus arteriosus--a hole in the heart that typically closes within a few hours of birth. 

Surgeries....do not get easier with time. As hard as it was to say goodbye to my week old baby as he was wheeled to the OR, walking my 3 year old to those same doors was excruciating. Just the sight of those doors gives me anxiety. 

Daily life...Maddox looks so much like a typical 5 year old. There are moments when he acts like a typical 5 year old, and moments I'm reminded he's not. Some of that is heart related. Some of that is not. Right now Maddox's half a heart is working well enough to keep up with him. It's a pretty happy little heart. We are grateful. 

Family life... I think we're pretty typical. Luke and I do a pretty good job of keeping it real and not letting Maddox's unique heart define him. Everyone worries from time to time, but mostly we just live the life we've been given. There are a lot of unknowns in our future, but I try and remember that's really true for everyone. We just have a different perspective, and know to watch for those curve balls. 

Our CHD family...is amazing and inspiring. I think having such a large CHD family is bitter sweet. It's a joy to see these kids grow up and be happy and healthy. It's hard to watch parents struggle through those really hard days. It's absolutely heartbreaking to watch parents and siblings say goodbye to their hero and adjust to life without them. 

My Faith... Has changed a lot over the last 5 years. I rely on it daily. I have to trust that God has a plan and that even on--or especially on--the really hard days he's watching out for each of His children and that someday I'll understand. 

Last night Maddox asked me when he will die. He asks that more often than I'd like. I told him that he will go when Heavenly Father says it's time. When he's done all that he needs to do in this life. I believe that. I only hope he outlives me and we both live to be 90.