Fall

I love fall. I love the crispness in the air. I love the colors. I love jeans, sweaters, scarves and boots. I love fuzzy socks and warm pjs. I love the smell of the heater. Hot chocolate. Baking. Football is in full swing, baseball is wrapping up, and basketball is on the horizon. 

Unfortunately, none of those things are enjoyable at the moment. Add hot showers and blowing my hair dry to the list and you've got the list of things that make me sick. 

I've been dwelling on those things. I really need to focus on what I can enjoy. The list is quite short but at least it's not empty. 

Baked potatoes. Tomatoes. Fried egg sandwich, with a runny yoke. Triscuts. Watermelon and green apple jolly ranchers. Squirt. and the crispy chicken sandwich, with tomoato, from Wendy's. 

Sleep and my pink hospital bucket are my companions. If I'm asleep, I don't feel sick. I keep trying to hold on to the end knowledge that the minute baby is born I will feel completely better. I can't wait until then. 31 weeks, and counting. 

Hard work and rewards

Bailee's school did a cookie dough fundraiser this year. I will be the first to admit I do not love fundraisers. I would rather just give the school the money. 

The prize for the top sellers was a limo ride with the principle to go to lunch and build-a-bear. Bailee really wanted to be a top seller. 

As it got closer to the deadline she begged me to let her go around our neighborhood and sell. We have quite a few kids in our little neighborhood that go to the same school, so I was sure they'd already been out. 

Bailee persisted though, so out we went. She went to every house that didn't have a student or a grandchild in the school. I was quite impressed with the amount she sold. She even went back to two houses that weren't home the first time, in her pjs. I admired her persistence and willingness to do the work. 

As we totaled up her sales, she was certain she had sold enough to be a top seller. We talked about the prizes we knew she had earned, based on what she sold. I told her I was proud of how hard she worked, and tried to be realistic about her chances of being a top seller. I really hate when she's disappointed about something she has little control over. She had done her best. 

A few weeks went by and she received the prizes she'd earned. There was no news about top seller. We focused in what her work had earned her, and she was happy with herself. 

Then I got a call from her school. Bailee was one of the top sellers. She had set a goal, and reached it. I was excited for her, and couldn't wait for her to tell me about it. When she got home, she had nothing unusual to tell me. We decided to wait until she told us about the accomplishment. The night before the limo ride, she still didn't know. 

Thursday, I went to the school to take pictures of the kids getting in the limo. I was able to video Bai during the announcement. She seemed completely confused, and unsure what to do. 

Luke and I were able to meet the limo at the mall and have lunch with the crew. Six other students had earned the prize. After lunch, we headed to build-a-bear and each student was able to get an animal and clothes. 

Bailee had an awesome time, and I'm grateful for the teaching moments. It was so good for her to set a goal and achieve it. A goal that had nothing to do with mom and dad trying to teach her something, and a reward that was unique enough to make a lasting impression. It's a lesson I hope she remembers for a long time. 

After Bai got home from school she said to me, "Now I know why they call it a funraiser." 

Pumpkins!

We grew our own pumpkins this year. The plant had a ton of blossoms, but only two grew into pumpkins. They are cute though! And almost perfectly formed. I broke the stems when trying to pick them. I should have used my pruners. 

I'm a big fan of these hand pumpkin decorating kits. No mess, and the kids love them. 

Such fun! I'm glad we can still get these fun fall activities in, despite my feeling sick all of the time. These kiddos and my sweet Luke are being such troopers. I'll make it up to them next fall. 

Quietness

It's so quiet at my house right now. Both of the kids are at school, and I'm laying in bed doing another round of IV fluid. I'm not much of a tv watcher, and we don't have a DVD player or netflix access in our room. So I've been reading blogs and playing dice with friends. Thinking about the things I'd rather be doing, thinking a about what I'm grateful for, reminding myself that things could be so much worse. 

I guess I should try and eat something. The problem is that when I think about food, I think about how it's going to come up. Makes a person not really anxious to eat. It's better when it appears and I don't have time to think. 

I know this can't last forever. I hope it doesn't last the entire time this baby is cooking. Poor Maddox keeps asking me if I feel better. When I tell him no, he wants to know why. I've been pretty careful not to make it sound like the baby makes me sick. I don't want the older two to think it's her fault. It's not. It's just how my body reacts to all of the hormones.

 I still don't think it's fair to be so sick when I'm doing something good. I will have to get over that though. At some point I will enjoy the pregnancy. I'm afraid it'll be the last. I don't think any of us could do this again. 

It'll be worth it. All of this will be forgotten when I hold this sweet baby in my arms. 32 weeks to go. 

Helpless not hopeless

I've never felt so helpless before. It's discouraging, to say the least. I enjoy being a wife and mother, but right now I can't really do either. I've been mostly in bed for almost two weeks. I have had moments where I've felt ok enough to go out, but mostly I'm in bed. I keep thinking it'll ease up in a day or two. There's too much good I can be doing to lay here in bed. I should be playing with my kids, cooking dinner for my family, visiting families at the hospital, helping a friend out with her kids, and doing my job that I get paid for. But I'm not. I'm laying in bed, feeling helpless, discouraged, and frustrated. 

Not hopeless though. I know there is hope. I know this won't last forever. I know there is something to be learned. I hope I learn it soon. 

One of these lessons is that my Savior loves me and is mindful of me. This is something I've struggled with a lot over the years. I have this faith that He can do anything I ask, I just don't know why he would. My needs aren't great. I'm very blessed, and I'm grateful for the blessings. It feels selfish for me to even ask for help. I ask for help and blessings for others, and I know He provides. Why can't I remember that he wants to do the same for me? 

A few weeks ago I was able to go to the General Relief Society meeting. Sitting at the feet of the Prophet of God, I wanted to be taught. I wanted to know how to be a better wife, mother, and disciple of Christ. I felt lifted and recharged after the meeting. But I also felt a little bit down. 

President Monson told a story of a woman who was very sick. She wasn't eating, and nothing appealed to her. One day she said the only thing that sounded good was homemade bread. The next day, someone she barely knew was impressed to bring her a loaf of homemade bread. It was a divine manifestation of His love and care for her. 

In the past several months, I've wondered how I can be a better friend to those around me. I've always tried to be in tune to others needs and wants, and honestly, helping people is something that is easy for me. I've been selfish in this line of thinking though, because while I don't expect anything in return for a kind deed, I have wondered if people even notice. I've wondered why it's easy for me to serve, but that service isn't returned. I chide myself because I don't need to be recognized or rewarded for serving. I do it because it makes me feel good, and it's what the Savior asks. Some days I do feel down though, and I think 'today would be a good day for someone to bring cookies' or 'let me know I'm appreciated'. I don't mean to be selfish. 

So leaving this conference meeting I wanted to be pondering how I can be someone's loaf of homemade bread. Instead, I was wondering where my bread was. I prayed that I could see those instances in my life. I'm sure they are there, I just need to recognize them. 

My sweet visiting teacher came a few days ago and after our visit asked if she could bring dinner one night. She brought us a wonderful dinner last night, and I so appreciated it. Last night our neighbor came over and assisted Luke in giving me a priesthood blessing. After he left, his wife called and asked if she could bring dinner today. As I laid down for bed I thought, 'I know what this is. This is in response to my selfishness in asking where my bread is.' I thought, now that I know what I'm supposed to learn, I can get better. I can be less selfish and more grateful.

This evening I feel that He's not trying to 'teach me a lesson', He's simply showing me that He loves me, He's mindful of me, and my service does not go unnoticed. I am grateful. I will try even more to ask Him for help, and realize that He wants to  help me. I will take this time to recognize how blessed I am. I will continue to try and be someone else's bread, and recognize the bread in my life. I will be filled with gratitude.