Helpless not hopeless

I've never felt so helpless before. It's discouraging, to say the least. I enjoy being a wife and mother, but right now I can't really do either. I've been mostly in bed for almost two weeks. I have had moments where I've felt ok enough to go out, but mostly I'm in bed. I keep thinking it'll ease up in a day or two. There's too much good I can be doing to lay here in bed. I should be playing with my kids, cooking dinner for my family, visiting families at the hospital, helping a friend out with her kids, and doing my job that I get paid for. But I'm not. I'm laying in bed, feeling helpless, discouraged, and frustrated. 

Not hopeless though. I know there is hope. I know this won't last forever. I know there is something to be learned. I hope I learn it soon. 

One of these lessons is that my Savior loves me and is mindful of me. This is something I've struggled with a lot over the years. I have this faith that He can do anything I ask, I just don't know why he would. My needs aren't great. I'm very blessed, and I'm grateful for the blessings. It feels selfish for me to even ask for help. I ask for help and blessings for others, and I know He provides. Why can't I remember that he wants to do the same for me? 

A few weeks ago I was able to go to the General Relief Society meeting. Sitting at the feet of the Prophet of God, I wanted to be taught. I wanted to know how to be a better wife, mother, and disciple of Christ. I felt lifted and recharged after the meeting. But I also felt a little bit down. 

President Monson told a story of a woman who was very sick. She wasn't eating, and nothing appealed to her. One day she said the only thing that sounded good was homemade bread. The next day, someone she barely knew was impressed to bring her a loaf of homemade bread. It was a divine manifestation of His love and care for her. 

In the past several months, I've wondered how I can be a better friend to those around me. I've always tried to be in tune to others needs and wants, and honestly, helping people is something that is easy for me. I've been selfish in this line of thinking though, because while I don't expect anything in return for a kind deed, I have wondered if people even notice. I've wondered why it's easy for me to serve, but that service isn't returned. I chide myself because I don't need to be recognized or rewarded for serving. I do it because it makes me feel good, and it's what the Savior asks. Some days I do feel down though, and I think 'today would be a good day for someone to bring cookies' or 'let me know I'm appreciated'. I don't mean to be selfish. 

So leaving this conference meeting I wanted to be pondering how I can be someone's loaf of homemade bread. Instead, I was wondering where my bread was. I prayed that I could see those instances in my life. I'm sure they are there, I just need to recognize them. 

My sweet visiting teacher came a few days ago and after our visit asked if she could bring dinner one night. She brought us a wonderful dinner last night, and I so appreciated it. Last night our neighbor came over and assisted Luke in giving me a priesthood blessing. After he left, his wife called and asked if she could bring dinner today. As I laid down for bed I thought, 'I know what this is. This is in response to my selfishness in asking where my bread is.' I thought, now that I know what I'm supposed to learn, I can get better. I can be less selfish and more grateful.

This evening I feel that He's not trying to 'teach me a lesson', He's simply showing me that He loves me, He's mindful of me, and my service does not go unnoticed. I am grateful. I will try even more to ask Him for help, and realize that He wants to  help me. I will take this time to recognize how blessed I am. I will continue to try and be someone else's bread, and recognize the bread in my life. I will be filled with gratitude.