The story of how cancer saved me...

I can't sleep. This has been on my mind off and on over the past 8 years. Lately it's been a lot more often. It's not something I like to think about, let alone talk about, but I think it's time for me to tell this story. I also think I've come to understand how I got in this particular situation and hopefully I've learned enough to help someone, anyone, else to avoid it. 

First, I am and always have been very naive. It's in my nature to trust people, and to expect the very best from them. It rarely occurs to me that someone would intentionally deceive others. Sometimes my expectations are far too high. 

I believe I was a typical teenage girl. I will admit I was overly boy-crazy from a very young age, far too young if you ask me now. I like to believe my crushes went unnoticed, though looking back that's probably not likely. Like most teenage girls I knew then and know now, I thought having a boyfriend would make me happy. Not that I was unhappy, but I did have the illusion that a boy could make me happier. All I wanted out of life was to get married and have a family. 

My senior year of high school I discovered the world of Internet chat sites and dating. There were a few guys I met and had arranged to meet. I remember one actually showed up at a basketball game far from my hometown. I got cold feet and actually avoided meeting him, though I saw him in the crowd. Another canceled plans to fly to Vegas and come to graduation. I wonder what in the world I was thinking! I really, truly, trusted that these guys were who they claimed to be. My first and last time meeting an online friend brought me to Utah. 

My best friend and I went on a road trip so I could apply for jobs before I went off to college. Now days I would have just applied online. Instead of heading back south, we went east to a town in Utah I'd never heard of. Little did I know I'd be calling that same town home a few years later. 

We arranged a meeting place. I was supposed to call when we arrived. I chickened out. Until I realized I'd locked my keys in the car. I didn't know what else to do, so I called and he came. He appeared to be who he claimed to be. He helped us retrieve the keys, though I don't recall if he was able to unlock the car or if we ended up calling the police. Afterwards, we followed him back to his home. Ironically, I drive that street nearly everyday. 

He introduced us to his parents and his youngest brother. We stayed up talking for hours. When my friend fell asleep on the couch, he asked if I wanted to go for a drive. We drove through several towns, through 2 large valleys, and saw several LDS temples along the way. He was trying to impress. The only time I remember thinking I should be nervous was when he turned down a dark road along a nearby lake. Not very smart of me. We ended the now early morning with a cup of hot chocolate and a donut from Krispy Kreme. 

Later that afternoon it was time to head for home. He decided to follow us because he was worried. That should have been the first of many red flags. I only thought it was sweet. 

My parents were shocked and unhappy, to say the least, when I showed up with him. I was 18 though, so what could they do. After introducing him and dropping my friend off to her home, he decided to take me to Vegas for another date. I cringe thinking of how trusting I was. I was so wrapped up in the idea of a guy finally showing interest in me. 

He left late at night, after dropping me off at home. 

From then it was phone calls and emails non-stop. Any waking moment he wanted to know where I was, and what I was doing. It was all too much, too fast, and I was caught up. I settled into my first semester of college. I wish I could say I enjoyed that new chapter in my life. Mostly I argued with roommates and my parents, and spent far too much time focused on him. 

About a month into this relationship, I was feeling uneasy about things and really did want to end things. I got up the courage and made what I planned to be my last call. Unfortunately, before I was able to break it off, he talked about committing suicide. I decided the timing was bad. I'd never dealt with such a situation, and didn't really believe he would do that. A few weeks later I tried again. This time he described the pills he  supposedly overdosed on. I was trapped. I now believed he was serious. I didn't want that to be hanging over me the rest of my life, and I didn't want it to be my fault. I also didn't know any better than to believe these things. 

The months went on and the visits were more frequent. The fact that we lived eight hours apart didn't phase him. He showed up uninvited and unannounced more times than I could count. My roommates didn't care for him, and after the first few visits they decided he couldn't crash on our couch. Still he persisted and I think somewhere inside of me I hoped he could change. Because he couldn't stay at our place, we began camping out at parks around town. That suicide threat was always hanging over me and I was afraid of what he would do. 

One night his mom called me frantic. He had left the house angry and left a note that made her concerned. She hoped I had heard from him. I had, but he hadn't said anything about leaving home. I finally got ahold of him and he said he was just out driving. I told him his mom had called and was worried. He was so angry. He had erased the caller ID so she couldn't find my number. I think she ended up finding it on the phone bill. I told him to call home. I don't think he did. A few hours later, there was a knock at my door. Since my roommates were gone for the weekend, he decided to surprise me. 

Looking back over this 4 month period, I can see the manipulation so clearly. I made so many poor choices tied to my fears of what he would do to himself if I said no. Gone was the independent, headstrong girl I once knew. In her place was a submissive, self-conscious, low self-esteemed girl who didn't know there was a way out. 

After my first semester in Reno, he convinced me that we should both move to Vegas. I moved in with my aunt and uncle, and he moved in with another of my uncles. I started school and a job and tried to make the best of things. Mostly the results were more broken relationships, and more seperation from my family. There were times when I'd assert myself a little and he'd leave angry. Sometimes I'd hope he'd leave for good. He had successfully convinced me that I wasn't good enough for anyone else though, and somehow I thought things would get better. They did, but not in the way I thought. 

We had been arguing a lot and he threatened multiple times to pack up and go back to Utah. One day he showed up with his car packed and said it was time. Part of me was terrified, and part of me dared to hope I could move on and start over. A week later I got a call that changed the course of my life. He had been diagnosed with cancer...