I am supposed to be working! But, I need to write about this now. Before I forget, and hopefully to help me resolve this inner struggle. I just read this article, Puddles, on the Daily Closer to Christ blog. I've had this blog bookmarked forever, but recently committed to reading it every day. Love it. Anyways, I read this article just now and the jist of it is that the Lord is waiting to bless us, we just have to ask! Are we being too content where we are at?
My initial reaction kind of surprised me. I thought no way am I asking for more blessings. That seems so ungrateful. But that thought is unsettling to my soul at the same time. So I'm sitting here thinking about why I had such a strong reaction. Here's my thoughts. I am so immensely blessed. Far more blessed than I feel I deserve. If my blessings don't increase, I will be perfectly happy, perfectly content. I couldn't ask for more. What more could I want.
As I was thinking these things, my thoughts turned to the scriptures I was listening to this morning. I am in Mosiah and near the end of that book it talks about two different groups of people who are in bondage to the Lamanites. At first they just do what the Lamenites want. They don't like it, but maybe they feel they don't deserve more. They are alive. They have their families. And then someone comes along to teach them differently. They do deserve more. God loves them and wants to bless them. He will provide a way for them to be free from the bondage of the Lamanites, and to have all that He wishes to bless them with, they just need to ask.
I also think about different times in my life where I maybe felt like it's as good as it could be and I would take it. Then I look at how my life has changed, especially in the last 10 years, and am so grateful God didn't let me just be content where I was at. I think my downfall is the the thought that I don't deserve more than I have. If that's something I need to overcome, I have a lot of work to do. Even recognizing that I should be asking God to bless me, doesn't make me want to do it. I thank Him every day for what I do have. Though I see the wisdom in asking Him to give me what He already wants to give me, it makes me feel ungrateful to ask for anything more. Being complacent is one of my weaknesses though.
I feel complacent at times in Maddox's life. I watch other parents fight to give their heart kids more, they don't settle for what they were prescribed. They are looking for something, anything, to make life better for their child. We had three paths offered to us when Maddox was born. It was like "Let's Make a Deal." Door number 1, take him home and love him as long as you've got him. Door number 2, list him for a heart transplant and hope a heart comes in the short window of time we'd have. Door number 3, a three-surgery treatment plan that hopefully will extend his life for a good long time. We chose Door number 3 and haven't looked back. Should I have been looking for Door number 4? or 5? or 10? I don't know. I was grateful that we had 3 to chose from and that one of them felt right. At times though when I see a family find Door 4 or Door 5 and take it, I wonder if I'm doing enough.
I guess I need to find a good balance in my life between Complacency and Gratitude and Asking for more. I just had a thought about conversations with Bailee that have gone .... "Thank you for this, but I wish I had this..." and me responding "I wish you would just be grateful for what you have and quit wishing for more." I have a lot of work to do in myself and in my family. But first I've got to figure out what direction I go.
I just had another thought. Satan's plan was for us to come here, be told what to do, be grateful for what we had, and return to Heavenly Father. Complacency. Christ's plan involved work on our part. We must make choices, plans, mistakes, and remember that we chose to follow Him. To become like Him. To ask Him for help, allow that help in our lives, and learn gratitude.
I had hoped to work this out in my mind by now. I haven't. I guess I'll be pondering it for awhile and pray that I can find the right answer for me.
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