4 Months and counting

Maddox turned 4 months on Monday! I don't think anyone, including me, really knows how big of a milestone that is for him. 4 months ago I didn't know if he was even going to make it through surgery, or if I could be strong enough to be his mommy. He did, I am.

I will find the camera and upload some pictures later.

So 2 nights ago I was downstairs scraping wall paper. Luke was at YM, Bailee's still at grammy and grampy's, and Maddox was asleep. I felt alone. It was too quiet and I had too much time to think. I thought of everything that I have gone through the past 4 months. This always makes me feel guilty, because I know how blessed I am. Others would gladly take my bad days over theirs, and a baby with lots of medical issues over no baby at all. I know that. But I had a little epiphany. It's ok for me to loose it now and then. It's ok for me to not be strong once in awhile. It's ok for me to feel sad and angry about what I am going through. It's ok for me to cry and let it all out. I don't have to bottle it all up to spare someones feelings. That doesn't make me selfish, it makes me human. So I cried. And I felt. And I prayed. And then I smiled and am moving on. I hope I do have another day like that.

Last Thursday we met with Dr. Pinto, Maddox's cardiologist. She confirmed my thoughts about moving forward with the next surgery. I can see my little guy declining, though it is subtle, and I'm ready for him to have the next one. I know it'll make a huge difference in his little life, and he'll feel better. So Maddox will be having his next open heart surgery within the next 3 weeks. Never would have imagined being glad about something like this. But I am. He'll be in good hands when we turn him over to Dr. Kaza, and he's in the Lord's hands. That's the important thing.

This is one special little boy and I am so proud to be his momma. Sometimes I wish the Lord didn't trust me so much, but I am happy he trusted me with Maddox. I wouldn't trade him for anything. I am also so thankful he blessed me with Bailee. I couldn't get through this without her. She is my best little buddy and brings a smile to my face every day. She makes me stronger and want to be better. Love that little girl and missing her so much! And Luke. He's just simply AMAZING. Each and every day I am grateful that the Lord brought us together. I am blessed. I am grateful.