Bahumbug?

It's the day after Christmas and my house is still quiet. I've been awake for awhile, reflecting on the past month. 

It did not feel like Christmas. Everything and everyone just felt off. I went through the motions as best I could. We did most of the things we usually do. It hasn't been a bad month, and really bahumbug doesn't describe my feelings. I wasn't hating or dreading Christmas. I was waiting to feel Christmas. I can't put my finger on it. Just everything felt different. 

We didn't put up lights outside, but neither did our neighbors in our cul-de-sac. 

I didn't finish hanging wreaths. 

I didn't bake. 

I wasn't very excited about what we bought for the kids, and when I wrapped it, I was worried they wouldn't think it was enough. 

I couldn't figure out what to do for Luke. I can usually come up with something to get excited about. I never did. 

I was terrible at helping our elf write back to Bailee, and at remembering to help her work her magic. 

I didn't play Christmas music when the kids weren't home. 

It just felt off. And so many people I talked to and observed seemed to be feeling similarly.  

Despite feeling off, we did do a lot of great things. We enjoyed each other and the season. 

We went to Bailee's Christmas concerts. 

We watched our favorite Christmas movies. Including the beloved Bulkley family interviews. 

We watched past years interviews and recorded this years. 

We had snow! 

We made reindeer food and left Santa cookies. 

We made gingerbread houses, twice!

We saw Santa. We wrote letters to Sanra and mailed them at Macy's. 

We crafted neighbor gifts and delivered (most of) them. 

We read Christmas books and counted the days. 

We read about our Savior and talked about his birth, his life, and his gift of the atonement. 

 

My kids were excited, and I must have pretended good enough for them. I enjoyed watching their anticipation grow. I loved hearing them talk and play together, especially over the past few days. I envied them, really. I usually feel that giddy excitement and building anticipation. It just wasn't there this year. 

When Luke and I got everything ready on Christmas Eve, I lacked my usual enthusiasm. Santa usually takes their gift out of the packages and installs the batteries. He makes sure everything is ready to be played with, and sets it up just so. This year, I just wanted to get to bed. I knew the kids would love it. I knew it was enough. 

Maddox came in and crawled in bed with us around 2. He usually does. He wants to snuggle mommy. He asked if Santa had come yet. He said he hoped Santa brought him what he wanted. He fell asleep and Luke and I talked about our childhood Christmas memories, and the memories we've made in the last nine years. That helped a little. 

My favorite Christmas was when I was six. I was in first grade. It was a simple year, but most were. I'm not sure why it stands out over all the other years. I remember so many details of that day. But when I think of my childhood Christmases, that's the first memory. 

The second was my least favorite Christmas. I was in eighth or ninth grade. We came home one evening before Christmas and someone had delivered a truckload of gifts. Our doors were always unlocked. They piled gifts around and under the tree. There were so many. It was overwhelming. I thought it was ridiculous. My littlest sisters thought it was wonderful. It was magic to them. I knew I should feel grateful. I didn't. The thought was nice. I could appreciate that. But I loved our simple Christmases. They were special to me. This wasn't what Christmas was about. Because we lived in such a small town, I knew it was someone who'd see us using those gifts. I can imagine them at school watching to see our reactions. I don't remember feeling embarrassed about it. I even had a guess at which family had given to us. I just felt like it was too much and that there were other families who could have used it. I felt bad for not being grateful. I still feel that way, though it serves as a reminder that a huge pile of gifts is not how I wish to celebrate. 

On Monday the kids were dying to put the gifts under the tree. They were all wrapped and stacked in a single laundry basket in my room. Three gifts for each of them from mom and dad, the one they picked out for each other, four small family gifts, and the gifts Grandma Bulkley sent from the Marshal Islands. I was waiting to hear 'that's it?' I didn't. They excitedly put them under the tree and speculated about which were theirs. (I don't put their names on the package. I wrap each kids in a different paper.) 

Even though Luke and I decided to keep it simple, and really stuck to our 4 gift rule, I worried about what the kids would think. I was dreading how quickly opening presents would be, and the inevitable 'that's it?' remarks. 

So we waited for the kids to wake up Christmas morning. Usually I go get them up around 7. About 8:15, we hear Maddox yell 'It's Christmas morning! Wake up! Wake up!' They were so excited! It made me feel excited. 

Their reaction to what Santa brought was better than I could have imagined. They took their time enjoying that gift and then ooohing and awing over each trinket in their stocking. We let them take their time. There was no rushing. Luke passed out the gifts and they took turns opening them. I smiled at their reaction and gratitude. Maddox is very loud and Bailee is very quiet. Even on Christmas morning. 

They both exclaimed that this was the best Christmas ever. 

Luke surprised me with the very thing I'd asked for. A new camera. He also picked out a book and included an iTunes gift card. He is so thoughtful. Even though I was disappointed with the gifts I got for him, he was grateful. 

After breakfast and playing, we headed to Morgan and Jilyan's for dinner and hanging out. It was a pleasant afternoon with good food and great company. 

I fell asleep last night with Christmas in my heart. Finally. It still feels different. Something was different. Different is good. 

Thoughts on life and stuff

I've been thinking about all kinds of things lately, based on things I've read on Facebook, life's challenges, etc. and how it relates to what I believs to be true. What I know in my heart to be true. 

I think it's human nature to judge. We judge ourselves, we judge family and friends, we judge complete strangers. I know it's our responsibility to overcome that natural tendency. It's not our right or responsibility to condemn someone else for their choices and/or lifestyle. It is within my rights and responsibilities as a mother to decide or to judge what my children should be exposed to, and how to address situations that come up. 

I was raised a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day saints. As a child, that's where my parents took me to worship, and how they taught me to worship. As a teenager, I chose to do so willingly. As an adult I've gained my own testimony of the truthfulness of the Gospel of Jesus Christ, and find that the LDS church best matches what I know in my heart to be true. Is this church perfect? No, and I am a long ways from perfection. A long ways. But the Gospel is perfect, and the teachings of Christ are what I feel is best for myself and my young children. 

I feel completely lost for words on the continued attack on anyone who speaks out about their values, their belief, and their way of life. We live in a country that was founded on the very principle of worshiping, who, how, when, and where an individual choses to do so. 

As a teenager with newly found internet access, I talked to all different kinds of people. I was naive to so much of the world. I lived a sheltered life. Something that I value greatly from that time is learning about other religions and beliefs. I specifically remember long conversations with a guy who was Jewish. It was fascinating to learn about what he believed and what his church taught. I was able to share my own beliefs. Neither of us were threatened by the knowledge, and I personally felt gratitude to hear another perspective. It's liberating to have choices and to make choices. I felt free to do that. I think those types of experiences really helped me to look at what I had been taught, and realize that I truly did believe those things. 

I grew up with four younger sisters, and a sister in heaven. I have always had a different kind of relationship with each of them. That's probably not unique, but it's important to me. My sister in heaven is a year older than me. I have felt a special bond with her my entire life. I cannot wait to be reunited with her. As the years have gone by, my desire to be with her again has grown stronger. As other family and friends have joined her, my desire to be there increases. That part of the Gospel is my favorite. I hold on to that belief that we will be reunited, and I am trying to do the things that I believe will get me there. 

Each of my siblings have taken different paths. Our family life and dynamic is not how I ever imagined it would be. In fact, there was a time that I felt deep sadness about this. How could the five of us grown up in the same home and be so different? I'm ashamed to even admit that I was angry at them for not choosing 'the right' and giving up their chance to be a forever family. I was wrong to feel that way, and though I never expressed it to them, I do hope they forgive me.

While we did grow up in the same home, each of our circumstances varried. From the time spent with our parents, to our friends at school, to the extra curricular activities we participated in, we were exposed to different situations. I can see that those circumstances have a long lasting effect. They shape who we are and who we become. I am proud of each of my sisters for different things. They have each been an example to me in different ways. They've made peoples lives better. They've reached lofty goals. They've helped me to grow in ways impossible if they were just like me. 

I used to think that there was only one right way to live. Now I can see that the right way is different for different people. That doesn't threaten me or my beliefs in any way. I know who I am, who I want to be, and the best way for me to get there. 

That being said, I still strongly believe in the teachings of Christ that I grew up learning, and I have just as much right to speak of those things as anyone else. There are lifestyles and choices that I believe are sinful. And guess what? It's okay that I believe that. Christ said 'let him without sin cast the first stone.' Disagreeing with someone's choice is not the same as casting stones.  I can love someone fully and not agree with everything they say and do. It seems that the quest for equality and tolerance is one sided. Just because I say I don't like a particularly a behavior doesn't mean I hate or condemn everyone who choses to participate. That's a job I don't want! I wish we all could just love each other for who we chose to be, and respect our differences. 

Gingerbread Village

It was gingerbread house decorating day yesterday! I love this little kit. Everyone gets to make their own house, and we have a village. Sweet Bailee realized there was an extra house and immediately claimed it for baby. 

Maddox decorated his all by himself. He was very specific about each candy. I put the frosting on, and he went to town. I'm sure he ate his fair share of candies. 

Miss Bailee took her time. She's so artistic and creative. I'm sure she didn't eat a single piece, or lick the frosting. 

Luke even created a sidewalk. So cute. 

This one is mine. Not my finest work, but considering I didn't get a nap yesterday, I'm lucky to have done any of it. 

And last, but not least, baby's house. Next year, when I'm not gagging, I'm sure it'll be more festive.

Frozen

We were able to go to an early morning screening of Disney's Frozen, thanks to HopeKids Utah, this morning. The previews looked pretty good, but I didn't really know what to expect. Other than the snowman and reindeer were going to be funny, and a usually warm kingdom turned to ice, I didn't have a clear picture of the story line. 

I loved this movie! From beginning to end, it was fantastic. I can't wait to see it again. The kids and Luke really enjoyed it as well. If you haven't seen it yet, this is your spoiler alert!

The art and music were fantastic. It looked a lot like Tangled, and the music was fun and upbeat. 

I loved that Elsa, the older sister with the ice curse, wasn't a villain. She didn't know how to control the power, and she didn't want to hurt anyone. Especially her sister. I loved the lesson that you can't run from your problems. Running away caused more problems. When she was forced to face her weakness, she learned she could control it. 

I love that the princess didn't wait around for the prince to save the day. She took charge of her own problem and tried to solve it. On the other hand, I love that even though she was a strong female lead, she was willing to accept help. Often it seems the heroine is on extreme ends of the spectrum. She either is weak and expects the man to take complete care of her, or she is strong-willed and won't accept help from a man. I felt Ana, and her relationship with Christoff, was more realistic.

On that note, I loved that the act of true love was not true loves kiss. It was refreshing to see true love between the sisters be the solution. That was probably my favorite part. There was still a cute love story, but it wasn't the happy ending. The happy ending was a family overcoming years of seperation. 

The villain was the twist I didn't see coming. I actually loved that it wasn't a major story line. It was an important detail in the end, but not the focus. 

Maddox asked when numbers two through seven would come out. I told him that sometimes one is enough. 

Bailee has been pretending to be Elsa all day. She often uses the 'I can't control it' excuse when she makes a poor choice. We were able to talk about how, through life experiences and trials, we learn how to control ourselves. I hope she remembers this lesson. 

I really look forward to seeing Frozen again. It's for sure one that I plan on buying. 

(I didn't love that when we left the theater our own world was frozen...I can't wait for summer!)

Christmas is coming!

I love the holiday season! I love traditions. I love the music. I love the lights. I love the magic. I love the spirit. 

Trying to find the balance of all of the things I love, and not getting overwhelmed, is a challenge. I've tried to be very aware of could-be traditions, how much extra work is involved, and if I'll be willing to carry it on. Our kids are old enough to remember year to year. That is both a blessing and a trial. I'd like to share a few of our traditions. 

Our Gifts to Jesus

See the shiny red box under the tree? That box holds our gifts to Jesus. This tradition started before we had children, but we taught Sunday school to young children in our ward. A lady at church gave a lesson to the children about giving gifts to Jesus. She then gave us each a piece of paper to write our gift on, and a little stocking to put it in. We were to hang it on our tree to remind us of the gift we wanted to give to our Savior. After that first year, we had this pretty box and decided to place our gifts inside. The box is the only thing under the tree for most of the season, and is a great reminder. There are 8 years of Gifts to Jesus in our box now. 

A few weeks ago Bailee remembered this tradition and said it is one of her favorites. She couldn't wait to write down her gift. Maddox still doesn't quite understand. He wants to give Jesus a BYU football helmet. 

Petal the Elf

Petal is another tradition we've had going on 9 years. We had an elf before having an elf was the thing to do. Though her role in our holiday has evolved. This tradition started at Bailee's first Christmas. A friend of mine shared with me her families tradition of an elf bringing a family gift. They even had a name for their elf. I wanted to start the Christmas PJs tradition, and thought that was the perfect gift for our elf to bring. 

The first couple of years, that's all she brought. Then we added a movie to watch on Christmas Eve. 

Three years ago Petal showed up in miniature form with her field journal. She writes us little notes and we write back. Bailee loves to ask her questions. Answering requires some creativity. There's also a place to put a picture on each page. The idea is that we take pictures of our different activities and include Petal in the picture. It's just a fun way to document theholiday's, but I don't stress about it. 

Sometimes Petal will bring a little gift or a treat, but not often. She doesn't do crazy, naughty, messy things like some elves. This mom doesn't have the desire or the energy to keep up with that. Plus, if I wouldn't let my kids do those kinds of things, why would I let the elf?

Another tradition we picked up from a friend is Christmas pillowcases. They come out on December first (or second as was the case this year). The kids are excited to put them on and use them for the month. 

We always have some sort of countdown. We've done chains, advent calendars, and the cute little boxes from last year. This year, I wrapped up our Christmas and winter themed books. The kids will open one a day and we'll read it at bedtime. I added a new one they haven't seen, but the rest we've been collecting over the years. I put away the Christmas books and movies with the decorations, so they feel new each year. 

Because we are doing the countdown with the books and not an activity chain, we created a Bucket List of the fun things we like to do this time of year. It will be fun to choose an activity each day, rather than try and assign them ahead of time. 

 The kids loved decorating the tree tonight. It's so magical to them. I love it!

The final one I want to share tonight is The Christ Book. I found it on a blog called sew dang cute. It's a book with pictures of Christ, scripture, and songs. It takes 5-10 minutes each day, and you have a little devotional to keep you thinking if Him. My kids love this as well. 

So those are the main things we do each year. It's fun to hear other peoples traditions, and try out a few new ones. 

I'm super excited for the next month, and only pray to be well enough to enjoy it with the kiddos.