Christmas is coming!

I love the holiday season! I love traditions. I love the music. I love the lights. I love the magic. I love the spirit. 

Trying to find the balance of all of the things I love, and not getting overwhelmed, is a challenge. I've tried to be very aware of could-be traditions, how much extra work is involved, and if I'll be willing to carry it on. Our kids are old enough to remember year to year. That is both a blessing and a trial. I'd like to share a few of our traditions. 

Our Gifts to Jesus

See the shiny red box under the tree? That box holds our gifts to Jesus. This tradition started before we had children, but we taught Sunday school to young children in our ward. A lady at church gave a lesson to the children about giving gifts to Jesus. She then gave us each a piece of paper to write our gift on, and a little stocking to put it in. We were to hang it on our tree to remind us of the gift we wanted to give to our Savior. After that first year, we had this pretty box and decided to place our gifts inside. The box is the only thing under the tree for most of the season, and is a great reminder. There are 8 years of Gifts to Jesus in our box now. 

A few weeks ago Bailee remembered this tradition and said it is one of her favorites. She couldn't wait to write down her gift. Maddox still doesn't quite understand. He wants to give Jesus a BYU football helmet. 

Petal the Elf

Petal is another tradition we've had going on 9 years. We had an elf before having an elf was the thing to do. Though her role in our holiday has evolved. This tradition started at Bailee's first Christmas. A friend of mine shared with me her families tradition of an elf bringing a family gift. They even had a name for their elf. I wanted to start the Christmas PJs tradition, and thought that was the perfect gift for our elf to bring. 

The first couple of years, that's all she brought. Then we added a movie to watch on Christmas Eve. 

Three years ago Petal showed up in miniature form with her field journal. She writes us little notes and we write back. Bailee loves to ask her questions. Answering requires some creativity. There's also a place to put a picture on each page. The idea is that we take pictures of our different activities and include Petal in the picture. It's just a fun way to document theholiday's, but I don't stress about it. 

Sometimes Petal will bring a little gift or a treat, but not often. She doesn't do crazy, naughty, messy things like some elves. This mom doesn't have the desire or the energy to keep up with that. Plus, if I wouldn't let my kids do those kinds of things, why would I let the elf?

Another tradition we picked up from a friend is Christmas pillowcases. They come out on December first (or second as was the case this year). The kids are excited to put them on and use them for the month. 

We always have some sort of countdown. We've done chains, advent calendars, and the cute little boxes from last year. This year, I wrapped up our Christmas and winter themed books. The kids will open one a day and we'll read it at bedtime. I added a new one they haven't seen, but the rest we've been collecting over the years. I put away the Christmas books and movies with the decorations, so they feel new each year. 

Because we are doing the countdown with the books and not an activity chain, we created a Bucket List of the fun things we like to do this time of year. It will be fun to choose an activity each day, rather than try and assign them ahead of time. 

 The kids loved decorating the tree tonight. It's so magical to them. I love it!

The final one I want to share tonight is The Christ Book. I found it on a blog called sew dang cute. It's a book with pictures of Christ, scripture, and songs. It takes 5-10 minutes each day, and you have a little devotional to keep you thinking if Him. My kids love this as well. 

So those are the main things we do each year. It's fun to hear other peoples traditions, and try out a few new ones. 

I'm super excited for the next month, and only pray to be well enough to enjoy it with the kiddos. 

I really should be sleeping. Tomorrow will be rough. I didn't take a nap today, so I have no excuse to be up still!

Except that Maddox is sounding sick and I worry. Every time he gets sick, I struggle between being paranoid and being cautious. 

Also, today I've been extra emotional. A combination of Stake Conference and pregnancy hormones. Stake conference was wonderful though. So many things to think about and put into action. 

I was reading some pioneer family history that's got me on edge. It was a life sketch and the ancestor mentioned several times the loss of a child followed by a new baby to 'take said child's place.' It makes me more paranoid. Also, I don't think one child can take the place of another. Maybe fill the emptiness in your arms, but never that hole in your heart. 

My thoughts are all over the place! On that note, I'm going to check Maddox's oxygen level and try really hard to sleep. Even though the heaters on and masking me extra nauseated. 

Cardiology report

We took both of the kiddos in to see the cardiologist and to have echocardiograms last week. 

First, Bailee. After talking with a genetics counselor, Dr. P, and between ourselves, we decided to take a look at Bailee's heart. She obviously doesn't have any major heart defects, but with the family history of 'left-sided' defects there is a chance she could have a valve defect. We were specifically looking at her aortic valve to be sure it has three working flaps. As I've mentioned before, Luke has a bi-cuspid aortic valve, which means it has two flaps instead of three. 

Bai was pretty nervous about the whole thing. It's been several years since she's been to one of Maddox's appointments, and she didn't feel comfortable. We talked a lot about what an echo is, how they do one, and even what we were looking for. The ech tech was awesome with her. He alleviated her fears, he talked to her about what to expect, and he read her cues well.

It was quite different to see her heart. I've seen Maddox's so many times. It was fascinating to see four seperate, distinct chambers with blood flowing in the right direction. Blue and red blood seperated and circulating. The heart is miraculous! When he was checking out her aortic valve I could see the three flaps, and that they were working. To my untrained eye, everything looked perfect. 

When we met with Dr. P. she confirmed that Bailee's heart is working just as it should be. That should be her first and last echo. I could see that she was relieved as well. As much as I was trying to prepare her and not worry her, I'm sure she was nervous. She was happy to be able to take a new blanket home and to be done with that adventure. 

Now onto Maddox. I swear this kid has the strangest reactions to the hospital and doctors in general. I believe it must be one of his innate gifts. An ability to cope with situations and remember the good parts. He has been looking forward to echo day for the last six months. When he heard that Bai got to have an echo too, he couldn't wait to tell her. He thought that was the best news ever. 

Like the sweet little brother he always is, he wanted to share this with her. He told her that you get to bring your own movie to watch, and helped her pick one out. He chattered all the way to Primary Children's about how great this day was. 

Luke, bless his soul, was able to take the day off to go to these appointments with us. It was a blessing in so many ways. Especially because the did the echos at the same time. He was able to go with Maddox so I could sit with Bailee. 

When we all came back together in the examine room, Maddox declared that 'this was the best family day ever!' He really couldn't have been happier. Back to his coping skills, I really think his mind blocks out the 'owies' and the anxiety that most kids associate with the doctor and the hospital. He remembers watching movies, unlimited slushies and sprite, and ordering whatever he wanted to eat. He got to see Spider-man every day, have puppies visit his room, and play with all kinds of cool things in the playroom. It was like the best vacation ever. 

As far as his heart goes, things couldn't look better. His function is normal for a post-Fontan heart. It's working beautifully. In fact, it's working so well she decided its time to come off one of his medications. We will be weaning it over the next month. It's so crazy because he's been on this one since he was a month old. It's a med that helps the heart squeeze. I can't believe he doesn't need it any more. She did increase the other med he's on. He started it a year and a half ago in hopes it would decrease the pressure in his heart. Dr. P felt that he should stay on it awhile longer and the dose was increased to match his weight gain. 

She was so pleased with how he's growing, how he looks, and how he sounds. It's truly mind blowing to look back over the last four years and see how far Maddox (and the rest of us) have come. This was an appointment I didn't dare hope for, the one at the end of the plan. 

So that's where we are. We are at the end of the plan. There's nothing specific to expect. There are no more planned surgeries. There is life and a million possibilities. This miracle boy can do anything he sets his mind to. He can be anything, go anywhere, play whatever he wants. (Please, please, please pray he gets over his obsession with playing football. He might be able to handle that, but I don't think his momma can.) He doesn't go back until next September. 8 months! And them we'll go to a yearly appointment. I truly believed that would never, ever happen. 

I feel so blessed to have been a part of this miracle, and to have witnessed and experienced a life I never knew existed. At the same time I feel anxious about the lack of a plan and expectations. As a mother, I've had that plan to guide me over the last four years. It feels so strange to be stepping away from that part of our life. 

Many have asked, 'what's next?' I have often replied 'Transplant, when he needs it.' It's felt inevitable for the past four years. My new answer is going to be, 'Life. A wonderful, full, happy life that we'll take a day at a time.' My little guy is going to grow up. He's going to school. He's learning and thriving. My hope is there will be a dozen new things to try to help his heart last a really, really, really long time. Until the Savior comes again and heals this perfect heart. And if the time comes that Maddox needs an angel heart, we'll make a new plan. Until then, we'll see what adventures he finds himself on. I have a feeling it'll be a lot. 

I said we don't go back until September. I left out the little part about baby #3. In January we will have a fetal echo and check out this little ones heart. After birth, I'll request another echo. As much as I've learned to love this heart journey, I don't want another surprise. I don't feel line anything is wrong, and I'm not stressing about it, but I want to know. It's so funny to me to be more interested in that ultrasound than the one where you find out the baby's gender. Maybe because I already know the answer to that? Defintely because now I know gender isn't really what we're looking for. 11 weeks and counting!

Home

We just returned home, from home. Home isn't just one place to me. 

Home is in Pleasant Grove, in the house we bought, with my husband and two children. 

Home is in Nevada, at my mom and dad's with my sisters. Now that also included a few brothers, a niece, and two nephews. 

Home is in St. George at my mother-in-law's, with my brother and sister in-laws, nieces and nephews. 

Home is the 4th of July, in Alamo. 

Home is holidays spent with my grandparents in Pioche. 

Home is the red rock of southern Utah. 

Home is at camp on Kolob. 

Home is in the temple. 

Home is beyond the veil. With my Heavenly Father and my Savior, Jeseus Christ. With my sister, my grandpa Spencer, my great-grandparents, my Uncle Jimmy, my sweet father-in-law, and the family I never met. 

That's the home I'm most anxious to return too. There's so much more to do here, first though. Until then, I'll keep trying my best to be ready for those reunions. I look so forward to those reunions. I particularly cannot wait to sit with my sister and catch up. That will be joyful. 

Fall

I love fall. I love the crispness in the air. I love the colors. I love jeans, sweaters, scarves and boots. I love fuzzy socks and warm pjs. I love the smell of the heater. Hot chocolate. Baking. Football is in full swing, baseball is wrapping up, and basketball is on the horizon. 

Unfortunately, none of those things are enjoyable at the moment. Add hot showers and blowing my hair dry to the list and you've got the list of things that make me sick. 

I've been dwelling on those things. I really need to focus on what I can enjoy. The list is quite short but at least it's not empty. 

Baked potatoes. Tomatoes. Fried egg sandwich, with a runny yoke. Triscuts. Watermelon and green apple jolly ranchers. Squirt. and the crispy chicken sandwich, with tomoato, from Wendy's. 

Sleep and my pink hospital bucket are my companions. If I'm asleep, I don't feel sick. I keep trying to hold on to the end knowledge that the minute baby is born I will feel completely better. I can't wait until then. 31 weeks, and counting.