My honorary nursing degree comes in handy sometimes

Like today. When I'm hooking up my own IV fluids. 

I still don't watch when needles are inserted....

That, my friends, is sodium chloride. My new friend for a few days. Lovely, eh?

It's doing it's job. Pumping me full of fluids and I'm less nauseated today than I have been in awhile. Now I just need to get eating and drinking. 

Crazy how someone so small can create such havoc on my body. Baby #3 is due June 1, 2014. 

I was sick with the other two. Really, really sick. This is even worse. I know it's all worth it in the end, it's just going to be a rough 8 months. 

Pictures.... a lot of pictures

It's been awhile since I put any pictures up of what we've been up to. So I just pulled these out of the last file I moved from my phone to the computer.

 

Maddox LOVES ridding the bus to and from School.He waves to us as they pull away. Cute boy!

 

Jen and I went down to Payson for the Onion Days concert. Deana Carter! She sang some old favorites and some new stuff from her upcoming album. Super fun girls evening, though I'm sure Luke would have enjoyed this show. Too bad there was a football game that night.

 We walked for Healing Hearts! This is IHH's main fundraiser for the year. It's a lot of work to put together such an awesome event. It's a good think we've got awesome people to do that.

 We introduced the kids to an old classic. They loved it. I was surprised at how sad it was. And a bit scary too. I don't remember that from way back when. I'm guessing those aren't the parts my kiddos remember either.

 Some cute little donations for our Walk for Healing Hearts.

 I'm pretty sure I need Riley to make me one of these.

 Riley did make a bunch of these! He donated a couple to IHH for the Walk for Healing Hearts, and then made some to sell. The heart is painted red, and the stem is black. Way super cute yard art, and for a good cause! These are $35 and Riley and Tami are donating $15 of that to IHH. You know you need one!

 I discovered Bailee's "hog nose" in a box. She and Maddox took turns putting it on. We had to send Auntie Trudi pictures. She' was proud of her little hogs!

 Is this not the sweetest thing you've ever seen? These two came up with this on their own, we were just lucky enough to catch it on film. Maddox may or may not watch a little too much Sophia the First. However, I think it will work in his favor later on. I can't wait to have a similar video 13 years from now when these two go to their first dance together... no pressure!

 He's sneezing...not crying.

 One of our favorite traditions is Labor Day weekend in Payson with the Morgan Bulkley family. (And the rest of the Bulkley clan, when they can make it.) We usually stay the whole weekend, but this time we just came for the parade and a bbq. Always a party!

 We got to see Disney's Planes, thanks to HopeKids. It was actually a good one. I didn't have high hopes.

 A fortune that did come true. A week later, Mom, Dad and Trina came to visit.

 BYU vs Texas! This was a fun night! I didn't check the weather though, so was completely unprepared for the down pour! It's a good thing I wasn't wearing mascara....

 Because of the crazy long weather delay, we decided to go back to the care and warm up. We were soaked through! The heater helped to dry us out, but once I get cold I have a hard time warming back up. I was worried they wouldn't be able to scan our tickets.... They did dry out eventually and I was able to put them in our 'ticket box'. Good memories.

 Game time! And we were playing Texas! I'll be honest, I didn't think there was a chance we would win this game. It's Texas! I was just hoping it wouldn't be a blow out.

 Remember how I wasn't prepared for the weather? Thankfully our cousin Jake had a dry jacket, and he gave it to me to wear. I told Luke that Jake saved him money... I wouldn't have lasted very long before I went and bought a new BYU sweatshirt. I did go in search of some warm socks, but they don't sell socks at the stadium.

 The team gathering to sing the fight song after a fantastic win. It was the best game I think I've ever been to. Crazy that QB was the high scorer for the night, followed by our Kicker.

 Bailee was so confused by this picture. She has never seen Uncle Shane with hair. She wasn't sure which one was her dad, or who the other guy was.

Have you forgotten? Never. It seems like lifetime ago, and yet I remember the day like it was yesterday. I was at UNR. A freshman in my first semester of college. I was watching the news as the 2nd plane hit. That image is burned in my mind forever.

Gratitude or Complacency

I am supposed to be working! But, I need to write about this now. Before I forget, and hopefully to help me resolve this inner struggle. I just read this article, Puddles, on the Daily Closer to Christ blog. I've had this blog bookmarked forever, but recently committed to reading it every day. Love it. Anyways, I read this article just now and the jist of it is that the Lord is waiting to bless us, we just have to ask! Are we being too content where we are at?

My initial reaction kind of surprised me. I thought no way am I asking for more blessings. That seems so ungrateful. But that thought is unsettling to my soul at the same time. So I'm sitting here thinking about why I had such a strong reaction. Here's my thoughts. I am so immensely blessed. Far more blessed than I feel I deserve. If my blessings don't increase, I will be perfectly happy, perfectly  content. I couldn't ask for more. What more could I want.

As I was thinking these things, my thoughts turned to the scriptures I was listening to this morning. I am in Mosiah and near the end of that book it talks about two different groups of people who are in bondage to the Lamanites. At first they just do what the Lamenites want. They don't like it, but maybe they feel they don't deserve more. They are alive. They have their families. And then someone comes along to teach them differently. They do deserve more. God loves them and wants to bless them. He will provide a way for them to be free from the bondage of the Lamanites, and to have all that He wishes to bless them with, they just need to ask.

I also think about different times in my life where I maybe felt like it's as good as it could be and I would take it. Then I look at how my life has changed, especially in the last 10 years, and am so grateful God didn't let me just be content where I was at. I think my downfall is the the thought that I don't deserve more than I have. If that's something I need to overcome, I have a lot of work to do. Even recognizing that I should be asking God to bless me, doesn't make me want to do it. I thank Him every day for what I do have. Though I see the wisdom in asking Him to give me what He already wants to give me, it makes me feel ungrateful to ask for anything more. Being complacent is one of my weaknesses though.

I feel complacent at times in Maddox's life. I watch other parents fight to give their heart kids more, they don't settle for what they were prescribed. They are looking for something, anything, to make life better for their child. We had three paths offered to us when Maddox was born. It was like "Let's Make a Deal." Door number 1, take him home and love him as long as you've got him. Door number 2, list him for a heart transplant and hope a heart comes in the short window of time we'd have. Door number 3, a three-surgery treatment plan that hopefully will extend his life for a good long time. We chose Door number 3 and haven't looked back. Should I have been looking for Door number 4? or 5? or 10? I don't know. I was grateful that we had 3 to chose from and that one of them felt right. At times though when I see a family find Door 4 or Door 5 and take it, I wonder if I'm doing enough.

I guess I need to find a good balance in my life between Complacency and Gratitude and Asking for more. I just had a thought about conversations with Bailee that have gone .... "Thank you for this, but I wish I had this..." and me responding "I wish you would just be grateful for what you have and quit wishing for more." I have a lot of work to do in myself and in my family. But first I've got to figure out what direction I go.

I just had another thought. Satan's plan was for us to come here, be told what to do, be grateful for what we had, and return to Heavenly Father. Complacency. Christ's plan involved work on our part. We must make choices, plans, mistakes, and remember that we chose to follow Him. To become like Him. To ask Him for help, allow that help in our lives, and learn gratitude.

I had hoped to work this out in my mind by now. I haven't. I guess I'll be pondering it for awhile and pray that I can find the right answer for me.

How cancer saved me, part 2

I was the frantic one now. My wonderful dad offered to drive me to Utah. Not for him, but for me. He looked terrible in that hospital room. I couldn't believe how much had changed in such a short amount of time. And the whys and hows could not be answered. I rarely left his side for a week. I felt more helpless than before. I couldn't possibly leave him now. Though I will admit to thinking, more than once, that if he died I would be free. I felt so guilty for thoughts like that. I didn't truly want him to die, but I didn't see another way out.

After a week I had to return home for my sisters graduation. I decided to move to Utah. What kind of almost-fiancé would I be if I didn't? He said he needed me. It's nice to be needed. I crashed at his parents, in his room until he was able to come home. Then I moved in with a sweet neighbor family. In between job hunting I spent my time with him. I finally was hired through a temp agency. (That job placement is another saga with another power tripping, highly controlling man. I knew how to pick 'em.)

After a few months I found a room to rent from a sweet older lady. She was at the head of my road to recovery. I will forever be grateful to her and her part in my life. When I get to the other side, she will be among the first people I want to see. 

I learned a lot about cancer, doctors, nurses, drugs, and hospitals in the months that followed. It was a roller coaster that I couldn't get off. His mom didn't want me there, his dad was a rock for me, and he loved and hated me all at the same time. I never knew what kind of mood awaited me when I walked through those doors. Something within me was beginning to change, though it took me a long time to realize that. 

When we lived in Vegas I slowly quit going to church. There was always an excuse from him, and I didn't want to go alone. When I moved to Utah it was expected that I go. It felt good to be back, though I felt unworthy and unsure of what to do. Hindsight is so much clearer! While I did have some repenting to do, it was Satan using my fears and shortcomings against me. Master manipulator. 

There was a sweet sister in the ward who encouraged me to go to the singles ward. That was the last thing I wanted to do. When he was feeling up to it though, we went to institute. I loved that class. I loved the teacher. I loved the institute couple. (Whom I now live next door too.) I finally was feeling like myself again. I met one of my now closest friends there. I remember a particular return missionary attending when he was home from college for the summer, and his brother who was on his way to serve in Brazil. I got more comfortable in institute and learned that most of the young adults there went to the singles ward, I decided to give it a try. I was actually shocked by how welcoming and friendly the ward was. I made so many friends and enjoyed the activities. I tried to get him to come with me, but I don't think he ever did. 

The more involved in my new life I got, the brighter the light at the end of the tunnel got. I moved in with a couple of friends and we had so much fun. We made our home a fun place to be and entertained often. The more I got involved with life the further he and I moved apart. It got to the point where he would call occasionally and I would tell him I was busy. I wasn't dating anyone, but I wasn't waiting for him either. It was such a tender mercy from God, and a reminder that God loves me and has always watched out for me. 

There was a test yet to come. He called and said he was dying, again, and this time he wasn't going to pull through. The Drs. gave him less than a month. I was crushed, but this time in a different way. His family was going to lose their son, brother, and uncle. It was really happening and there wasn't anything I could do to stop it. I was a mess. It's kind of comical to me now, but I know without a doubt, this part of my story was essential. My friends tried to take my mind off it and we went to a movie. Later that evening some more friends came by to hang out. One of those was the return missionary from my institute class. We had a mutual friend who would invite this guy and another whenever she was coming over. That may or may not have earned her more frequent invites simply because there were guys involved. That evening I am sure they all thought I was nuts. I don't remember a lot, but one of them took out our garbage. I have a pretty good idea who. That was Saturday. On Sunday the RM from institute gave a talk in Sacrament meeting that I needed to hear. I don't remember what was spoken, but I do remember what was felt. 

Four days later I had another call. This time he wanted me to come see him at the hospital one last time. Actually, it might have been the very last time. I can't remember now. I was playing volleyball with friends, but felt like I should go. I walked into that hospital room and knew immediately that it was over. The weight was lifted from my shoulders. After a brief conversation, I walked away and didn't look back. 

The next day, RM from institute asked me out to a basketball game. We went to most of the games that season. We were engaged four months later. 

About a month and a half before our wedding, I got one last phone call. This time I was surprised to hear him asking forgiveness. He had been through the temple and wanted me to know he was sorry. He wished me luck and told me I would love the temple. He died a few weeks later. I didn't go to the funeral.

Looking back I am disappointed in so many of my choices. It's hard to regret it all though, because I had no intentions of moving to Utah. Ever. I don't know why things happened the way they did, or how different my life would have been without him, but I do know I wouldn't trade my life right now for anything. And if that's the only way I could get here from there, so be it. 

I can't blame my poor choices on him, but I have learned how powerful manipulation can be. I allowed my agency to slowly slip away without even recognizing it. That's something I will never allow again. I don't wish to rehash all of the terrible things that he did and said, I chose to forgive him long ago, but it happened and it will always be a part of me. Emotional abuse and manipulation have long lasting, far reaching effects on people. I can't get that time back, but I can use what I've learned to do better myself and to help others. If I can help one person avoid or escape this type of situation it won't feel so pointless. I'd like to hope that had he not got cancer (which is horrible and I would not wish on anybody!) I'd have snapped out of it and realized I deserved better, but thinking of the track we were on it probably would have taken me a long time. It probably would have included a bad marriage and a nasty divorce. I know my self well enough to know that eventually I would have got myself back together and made better choices. I think a lot of (different) heartache was avoided. I remember in the months leading up to my wedding worrying about what crazy things he would do to wreak havoc in my life even though he wasn't a part of it anymore. I worried about what kind of strain that would put on my marriage and what else my sweet husband would have to deal with because of my past. For his family's sake, I wish it could have been different. For mine, I don't know that I could have had peace any other way. That's probably selfish sounding, but I just couldn't trust him to leave me alone.

There is one random memory that makes me laugh, at myself...not at the situation, now that I have a lot more experience in the hospital setting. It was a particularly critical time and he was really sick. He was sleeping and I was sitting in the hospital room with his parents, watching the monitors. All of a sudden the heart line went flat and I freaked out. His mom yelled at me to get out of the room. As I did, I somehow cut my hand. I still have a scar. A few minutes later his dad came out to check on me and told me the sensor had come of his hand. I for sure overreacted, but again, I didn't know any better. I'm very familiar with that sensor now, a pulse-oximeter, and death is not my first thought when it flat lines. Sometimes those are really hard to keep on people!

I am so grateful for the good that has come of such a horrible time in my life. 

I'm grateful for a husband who treats me wonderfully and had helped me overcome this without even knowing it. 

I'm grateful for the amazing people God placed along my journey and the impact they continue to have. 

Most of all, I'm grateful for the plan of happiness that allows me to repent, forgive, and look forward to eternity with the love of my existence and the beautiful family we have.

 

The story of how cancer saved me...

I can't sleep. This has been on my mind off and on over the past 8 years. Lately it's been a lot more often. It's not something I like to think about, let alone talk about, but I think it's time for me to tell this story. I also think I've come to understand how I got in this particular situation and hopefully I've learned enough to help someone, anyone, else to avoid it. 

First, I am and always have been very naive. It's in my nature to trust people, and to expect the very best from them. It rarely occurs to me that someone would intentionally deceive others. Sometimes my expectations are far too high. 

I believe I was a typical teenage girl. I will admit I was overly boy-crazy from a very young age, far too young if you ask me now. I like to believe my crushes went unnoticed, though looking back that's probably not likely. Like most teenage girls I knew then and know now, I thought having a boyfriend would make me happy. Not that I was unhappy, but I did have the illusion that a boy could make me happier. All I wanted out of life was to get married and have a family. 

My senior year of high school I discovered the world of Internet chat sites and dating. There were a few guys I met and had arranged to meet. I remember one actually showed up at a basketball game far from my hometown. I got cold feet and actually avoided meeting him, though I saw him in the crowd. Another canceled plans to fly to Vegas and come to graduation. I wonder what in the world I was thinking! I really, truly, trusted that these guys were who they claimed to be. My first and last time meeting an online friend brought me to Utah. 

My best friend and I went on a road trip so I could apply for jobs before I went off to college. Now days I would have just applied online. Instead of heading back south, we went east to a town in Utah I'd never heard of. Little did I know I'd be calling that same town home a few years later. 

We arranged a meeting place. I was supposed to call when we arrived. I chickened out. Until I realized I'd locked my keys in the car. I didn't know what else to do, so I called and he came. He appeared to be who he claimed to be. He helped us retrieve the keys, though I don't recall if he was able to unlock the car or if we ended up calling the police. Afterwards, we followed him back to his home. Ironically, I drive that street nearly everyday. 

He introduced us to his parents and his youngest brother. We stayed up talking for hours. When my friend fell asleep on the couch, he asked if I wanted to go for a drive. We drove through several towns, through 2 large valleys, and saw several LDS temples along the way. He was trying to impress. The only time I remember thinking I should be nervous was when he turned down a dark road along a nearby lake. Not very smart of me. We ended the now early morning with a cup of hot chocolate and a donut from Krispy Kreme. 

Later that afternoon it was time to head for home. He decided to follow us because he was worried. That should have been the first of many red flags. I only thought it was sweet. 

My parents were shocked and unhappy, to say the least, when I showed up with him. I was 18 though, so what could they do. After introducing him and dropping my friend off to her home, he decided to take me to Vegas for another date. I cringe thinking of how trusting I was. I was so wrapped up in the idea of a guy finally showing interest in me. 

He left late at night, after dropping me off at home. 

From then it was phone calls and emails non-stop. Any waking moment he wanted to know where I was, and what I was doing. It was all too much, too fast, and I was caught up. I settled into my first semester of college. I wish I could say I enjoyed that new chapter in my life. Mostly I argued with roommates and my parents, and spent far too much time focused on him. 

About a month into this relationship, I was feeling uneasy about things and really did want to end things. I got up the courage and made what I planned to be my last call. Unfortunately, before I was able to break it off, he talked about committing suicide. I decided the timing was bad. I'd never dealt with such a situation, and didn't really believe he would do that. A few weeks later I tried again. This time he described the pills he  supposedly overdosed on. I was trapped. I now believed he was serious. I didn't want that to be hanging over me the rest of my life, and I didn't want it to be my fault. I also didn't know any better than to believe these things. 

The months went on and the visits were more frequent. The fact that we lived eight hours apart didn't phase him. He showed up uninvited and unannounced more times than I could count. My roommates didn't care for him, and after the first few visits they decided he couldn't crash on our couch. Still he persisted and I think somewhere inside of me I hoped he could change. Because he couldn't stay at our place, we began camping out at parks around town. That suicide threat was always hanging over me and I was afraid of what he would do. 

One night his mom called me frantic. He had left the house angry and left a note that made her concerned. She hoped I had heard from him. I had, but he hadn't said anything about leaving home. I finally got ahold of him and he said he was just out driving. I told him his mom had called and was worried. He was so angry. He had erased the caller ID so she couldn't find my number. I think she ended up finding it on the phone bill. I told him to call home. I don't think he did. A few hours later, there was a knock at my door. Since my roommates were gone for the weekend, he decided to surprise me. 

Looking back over this 4 month period, I can see the manipulation so clearly. I made so many poor choices tied to my fears of what he would do to himself if I said no. Gone was the independent, headstrong girl I once knew. In her place was a submissive, self-conscious, low self-esteemed girl who didn't know there was a way out. 

After my first semester in Reno, he convinced me that we should both move to Vegas. I moved in with my aunt and uncle, and he moved in with another of my uncles. I started school and a job and tried to make the best of things. Mostly the results were more broken relationships, and more seperation from my family. There were times when I'd assert myself a little and he'd leave angry. Sometimes I'd hope he'd leave for good. He had successfully convinced me that I wasn't good enough for anyone else though, and somehow I thought things would get better. They did, but not in the way I thought. 

We had been arguing a lot and he threatened multiple times to pack up and go back to Utah. One day he showed up with his car packed and said it was time. Part of me was terrified, and part of me dared to hope I could move on and start over. A week later I got a call that changed the course of my life. He had been diagnosed with cancer...