Stormy weather

I had a very vivid dream last night. As will all of my dreams there is plenty of weird, but some very poignant parts. I think God teaches me while I sleep because I don't pause long enough during most days to listen. I need to work on that, for reals.

So anyways, in this dream last night many family and friends were gathered together celebrating some occasion and enjoying life. We were in a tall building surrounded on both sides by ocean. It was breathtakingly beautiful. While beautiful, that large amount of water terrifies me. I can't even describe the amount of anxiety I feel just thinking about the ocean. So here we are enjoying the good in life and suddenly a storm rushes in. I can see the water raising rapidly, but fell pretty safe. We were high enough. We were protected. Then from the corner of my eye I see a monster wave rushing toward us. It is obvious there is nothing we can do to get out of it's way, and it will take us out. I grabbed my little ones and everyone huddled together and I braced myself for the end. We were after all just in a building. A building with windows galore. A building that could not stand up to that wave. As I braced myself for that water to overtake us I was surprisingly calm. There was nothing I could do but hold my children close and wait. And then it was over. The wave came crashing over the top of that building and yet we were safe. The water receded and was calm once more. I was holding onto those most precious children in awe.

Yesterday morning I found out our sweet friend Kylie returned to heaven. She fought long and hard waiting for her perfect new heart. Many people all over the country prayed that she would get that special heart. It broke my heart when I got that news. I love that little princess and her mommy. I have watched her grow up and fight this CHD battle with a strength unknown to most people. She was full of love and light. Even when she was grumpy (rightfully so), she melted me. I went to visit her last week, but she was not feeling up to a visit. As I left CICU I felt a little bit stronger just from being in her presence. After all, if this sweet family could endure the last nearly 8 months in the hospital, I can endure the hard things in my life.


When I got the call, I was on my way up to the Children's Hospital to volunteer for CHD week. I had plans to stop in and see Kylie and Chrissie. I still had to go into CICU and seeing first her empty room and second Maddox's surgeon just crushed me a little more. There are so many vivid memories from the last 3.5 years tied up in that sacred place. Some bring a smile to my face, most re-open parts of me that I fear will not heal in this lifetime. It was hard to spend the day there.

Last night at Young Women's we were hot gluing some cute Valentine decorations. I stuck my finger in hot glue. It took the skin off one of my fingers and blistered another one. As I put ice on it trying to stop the burning I was wishing I could put some ice on my heart. Would it help that pain?

I fell asleep with my thoughts going crazy, holding on to an ice cold coke to soothe my finger. Prayer soothing my soul.

At times I can see that big wave coming and I can gather my loved ones to me and brace myself. Most often, I don't see the wave coming. I am learning over and over again that I need to always be preparing, even when the water is calm. If I am prepared, my 'building' will be strong enough to withstand that monster wave.