I was startled awake the other morning around 2 AM. I don't know what woke me, but the first thing that popped into my mind was "She was fine." That is what Mia's mom said. That is what her dad said to us at the funeral. That's what the transplant team said. And her doctors before she left for her Wish Trip. "She was  fine."

I could not fall back to sleep. So I read Mimi's latest blog post. Then I went and laid down by Maddox. The words "She was fine" kept running through my mind. I pulled Maddox into my arms and held him. Breathed him. Thanked my Heavenly Father for him. Silently cried and prayed for Mimi and John.

This isn't the first time I've seen another family say good bye to their baby. It's not even the first time since Maddox was born that I've witnessed this. But for some reason this time it hit me to my very core and I can't shake the sadness. I wasn't particularly close to this family, I know who they are. I know the public version of their heart journey. I was (am) looking forward to getting to know Mimi better as we work together on the IHH board for the next two years. I met Mia a few months ago at a HopeKids activity. We were swimming. She was jumping and splashing and living life. That image stuck with me. She was transplanted when she was an infant. She gave me hope for Maddox. She was 1 year and 8 days older than Maddox. She was fine.

That's why it hit me to the core. She was fine. I look at Maddox and see that every, single day. He is fine. He's great. He's pink. He's full of energy and life. He is loud and messy and destructive. I often sit back and smile at his antics. I can't even be upset with him because I am so grateful that he's here and healthy enough to be the holy terror in my life. I wouldn't trade a minute of the time we've had with him for anything.

I know the plan of salvation. I know that it's true. I have a very strong testimony of this and have a lot of faith in the plan. I know that families are eternal and that I am sealed to mine. Maddox will always be mine. Bailee will always be mine. Luke will always be mine. I have always had faith that whatever happens in this life, I will be okay and Heavenly Father will take care of me. Sometimes I think maybe I fall back on that so much that I forget I still need to do my part. But it's there and I have always know it's true. Through the ups and downs of the last 3+ years I have used that as my crutch to face hard things. I know it's all true, but it still hurts. It still feels unfair, and I still feel angry.

I don't know that I've felt anger about Maddox's heart. Maybe I have but I've worked through it. But so many parts of Mia's story make me angry. I don't understand why waiting a few days and letting her and her family enjoy a part of this trip of a life time wasn't possible. Maddox talks every day about his wish to eat noodles with Mickey. He remembers details that I had already forgotten. That makes me so happy for him and at the same time sad that Mia's family didn't even get a day of that. It's not fair.

My mom always said "Life's not fair." I don't think I understood that until now. It's not fair. It hurts a lot. Sometimes I wonder what I was thinking when I chose to come here, at this time, with these trials. It must have been a lot clearer then. I must have been a lot stronger than I am feeling now. Stealing a line from a friend "They must have promised me a cupcake."

After holding Maddox for nearly an hour I left him to sleep peacefully. He rolled over and smiled in his sleep. (I'd love to be inside his brain for a moment.) I crawled back into bed and thought about all of these things for another hour or so and finally fell asleep. It still hurt when I woke up. She was fine. He is fine. Please don't test me anymore just yet, I need to get a whole lot stronger than I am now.