Some thoughts

I've been very reflective the past week. (minus yesterday, I was sick and didn't think about much of anything) I've been thinking about this time in my life....3 years ago and how much has changed since then. 3 years isn't really that long ago in the big picture. I was pregnant with Maddox and so, so, so sick. I remember thinking (actually I'm sure I thought this while pregnant with Bailee too) that if Heavenly Father really wanted women to bring children into this world, why oh why did it have to be such a miserable experience? Why can't I grow this baby and feel well enough to take care of Bailee too? Looking back though, it's easier to remember a lot of the really great things about being pregnant. Like feeling the baby move, the knowledge that you are doing something so important for someone else, the anticipation of meeting the little one and getting to know this precious spirit, the preparation of the clothes and nursery and all of the other essentials. The good things definitely make up for being sick. (It's hard to focus on that while you're puking your guts out though.) 

Anyways, I've just been thinking about this and how grateful I am for the Tender Mercies of the Lord. Though I didn't know it at the time, He really did prepare us for Maddox. I knew that things would not be the same for Bailee and I after Maddox was born, and as much as I looked forward to his arrival, I was feeling sad about the change in Bailee and my relationship that would surely happen. I am happy to know that I did everything I could to take advantage of that time Bai and I had together. It was such a fun and happy time for both of us. We played and laughed and loved and grew even closer. I remember my parents wanting so badly for Bailee to come spend some time at their home before Maddox came and I just kept saying no. I felt selfish for not wanting to 'share' her, but I knew in my heart that I needed her here. After Maddox was born I realized how important that time really was and I was even more grateful that I listened to those feelings. 

There were other things too, that prepared me. The numerous priesthood blessings for sure, my church calling at that time (working with the young women in our ward), and a greater desire to study the scriptures and pray. I was more consistent at those things during that time than I had been before. Heavenly Father helped me prepare physically, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally in so many ways. Even the passing of Dad B. had a huge part in how I was able to handle the news of Maddox's heart. Because we had just experienced the pain and joy of that time, I had a clear picture of the Lords plan. While feeling the sadness of  Dad B's passing, I felt the peace of knowing that he was happy, healthy, and well now. I felt the peace of knowing that one day we will be re-united. It's a day that I look forward too very much; a time when I can get to know who he truly is. Having felt all of those emotions just 3 weeks before Maddox came, I had that same peace and knowledge that whatever the outcome of this heart defect, it would be ok. We will have eternity. 

There is still so much unknown with Maddox's future. We have an 'ideal' plan in mind--Fontan surgery this summer, years of being healthy and fulfilling his hopes and dreams (and some of ours), becoming an eagle scout, serving a mission, the opportunity to be married and have a family, eventually a heart transplant-- but we also know that Heavenly Father has a plan for Maddox and whatever that plan is, it will be ok. One of the biggest things I think I've learned in the past 2 1/2 years....well maybe in the past year and a half, that first year is still kind of a blur......is that life is unpredictable, for us all...not just Maddox. We truly do not know what will happen to any of us, but we do know that we can be together forever through the plan of our Heavenly Father. I am trying to focus on now, and not so much on the future. We need to enjoy today today, and worry about tomorrow tomorrow. Easier said than done, but something that I'm working on nonetheless. 

...next post? All about Maddox. Bailee loved the post about her, but asked me immediately when I was going to do one about Maddox. The funny thing to me is I decided to do that post about her because I was feeling that so much of this blog has been about Maddox. She's so sweet though.