Lately

The past month as been a little crazy. In the past month we've taken 2 trips to Alamo, been to a funeral, had Maddox in the hospital twice, and been to a bunch of doctor appointments. I keep thinking life will slow down some day, but so far....not so much. Yesterday Kids On The Move (Early Intervention) did an evaluation and we're all in agreement that Maddox needs help with his motor skills/physical development. So we'll be having appointments with a physical therapist, probably a couple of times a month.

Mom S. jokingly said she didn't check my blog because I've been too lazy to post anything. My response was that I was taught if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. That's how I've been feeling lately. My resolve in the last post to be happier won't happen overnight, I'm working on it. I'm just really frustrated, and sometimes even angry. I don't want to feel that way, so for the past 10 months I've been pushing it away. That doesn't make it go away, just builds up.

Like for instance, Maddox has been in the hospital 2 times in the past month. Once for pneumonia and once for rhino virus which is the common cold. Yeah, a cold. The kids have been sick since the middle of February! I don't know what we could do different to not get sick! I wash my hands until they are so raw they bleed, we hardly go anywhere and when we do no one touches or holds Maddox and I'm so careful about who we're around. No sick people! That basically puts us in isolation, and really...that just makes the whole depression thing worse. I feel like I can't win. We've averaged 1-2 trips per week to see the family Doc. He gives me a pep talk every time, tells me how great I'm doing, yada yada. He means well, and it makes me feel better a lot of the time. But no matter how many times he tells me I'm a good mom, my kids are still getting sick! I know that kids get sick, it's normal and expected. But Bailee was never sick! And now I can't keep either of them healthy.

Of course to add to it all, I know---really, really know----how blessed I am. And I feel guilty and selfish for feeling bad and angry and hurt. I know people that would give anything to have their baby in their arms again, sick or not.

I'm sick of Facebook, so I'm done with it. I'm tired of knowing so much about people without actually talking. It's like you don't have anything to talk about in person, because you already know what's been going on. It's also made people less helpful and caring. It's so easy to post a message to someone saying "I'm sorry that's going on, let me know if you need anything" and it totally get's you off from actually doing anything. I'm as guilty of these things as anyone, so I'm stepping out and back into the real world.

There's my rant for the day. One of these days I'll post some pictures---if I've taken any-- and tell you how great the kids are doing and that I've done some fun projects.